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Time:12:51 am
it's chronic
this ache that she gets when she moves
or stands
or breathes
it's tragic that they never listened
always the same story of
too fat
lose weight
you'll live.
it's tragic cause she
used to be fun. didn't
cry all the time like there's no hope and no light.

she says she's sorry
has tears in her eyes
while she laughs at
my too-strong arms
my two strong arms
that lift
that carry
that shoulder her worries until
she says she's
sorry

it's chronic and it vascillates from
too much
to impossible
unbearably agonizing with every shift in a
too-narrow chair.
and she cries out until
my too-strong arms
my two strong arms are useless to her

it's tragic that she
hurts herself more when she
sits too long
doesn't call
when she thinks she's helping me by not relying on me

and my two strong arms are helpless
and my too-strong arms are useless
and it's tragic that it's chronic
that it could've been prevented
and it's pain that's neverending
and my two strong arms are useless against it.
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Current Music:night and day-- the good life
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Time:08:14 pm
alright... this is....

so maybe it's not the smartest thing to go lurking back in comments. cause there are times where...
'tis long, and that is why i cut. also, there's warnings for language, religious philosophy, paranoia and puritanism.Collapse )

and while i'm thinking about it... why is it that being a JW automatically means you can't have a conversation/journal/IM/whatever without bringing Jehovah up in it constantly? is it considered encouraging? if so, why does it always feel like tooting your own horn???
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Time:04:49 pm
she says she loves her brother. our brother. that she didn't wanna hurt him.


bullshit.



i know... but after 10 years? it should've been a dead subject. because how can you go from all... cuddly and lovey and just sickeningly sweet to bringing up an indiscretion (from 10 years ago) only 2 months later?




i can tell you how. it's because you couldn't stay in the house and under the house rules. and now that you're actually getting kicked out of the house where you were staying, you've made it up in your mind that you were kicked out of your real home and not that you walked out. it's because you're such a sucker for that boy, you're blaming your parents for him getting disfellowshipped. because it's not like he bought you (a minor, basically) alcoholic drinks (which was against the law). or that he went clubbing and gossipped with you about what every youth in the fucking circuit seems to be doing. (i don't know a damn thing other than him having bought you drinks. but i think i have a clue about them. clubs. smoking. drugs. sex... or whatever.)


bullshit. you don't love your brother. because, if you did, you would've known that YOU TWO DIDN'T HAVE SEX. right. and you would've left 10 years ago where it was. dead. decaying. forgotten... or, at least, at the very back of your mind.

you don't love your brother. because if you did, you would go to the elders when he gets called before them and you'd say... "i do love my brother. i didn't know this whole keg of worms would open up. it was just.... shooting from the hip. i've forgiven him and i know i was involved and an equal party (because, you were nine... not 3 or 4. you did have sense enough to know it was wrong) and i had no idea that what i said would destroy him. really. it's been forgotten." and i don't care if it's a lie or the truth or you just covering your ass after saying something about a dead issue. you would say it... if you loved him.



my god. if you loved me enough, you'd take it all back. because you'd see that now i'm alone. you'd see that now i have to mourn the loss of the one person i trusted (you, since you left me), and i have to mourn the loss of my brother (just like rob, back when he got DFed. because, i miss who he was and what he could be).


congratulations, webster.
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Time:03:26 pm
well, i'd update to the poetry comm i'm in now... but i don't have posting access. darnit.


well, here's something for you to bide your time with:

I live in a world that’s blind
A world that tries to take my mind
A world, molding me to its form
I live, but weakened by the storm.

My faith is on that shaky ground
Shaken ‘til no one is found
Shaken so there are only lies
My faith! Who hears my cries?

I’m lost in choosing the proper way
Choosing how long I will stay
Choosing loyalty to the light
I’m lost. I don’t know how to fight.

I promised myself to His work
To ministry and never shirk
To Him until I fall asleep
I promised a promise I will keep.

I cannot break my solemn vow
Break what’s firm even now
A break that won’t be made. No
I cannot bring myself that low.



i just got back from the district convention. it was great... all except my sister. who has decided to a total jerk. she moved out almost 2 weeks ago because she got caught smoking and probably sleeping around (again). so, since she's decided not to be in the house, it's been quiet and gravy and just... *bliss*. and then she wanted to go to the convention. and i had to put up with her again and had to explain that yes she moved out, no i'm not joking, and no i'm not really that in contact with her, and no i don't know where she's living, i can't be bothered to ask. and she broke all the rules (again) and looked like some kind of (fat) slut (slag, hag, whatever) in clothes that were (too) short and (too) tight, and she walked around the convention hall (like all the other half-stepping 'witnesses) on her cell phone, saying the chairs were too hard (despite the fact that we used to be disgusted at those kind of people who had no respect for the convention and lied just so they could stand out in the hallway during the sessions and talk).



gah. i wish i was an only child. or that i didn't have to be bothered with her anymore. i'm tired of getting compared to her and having to be so f***ing perfect all the time. excuse the language. i just... me and my brother have to work something out and i need to be more zen.
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Subject:meh... spam for you
Time:04:55 pm
ow... my side.Collapse )
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Current Location:work
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Subject:82. i'm less of a joke than i thought.
Time:03:11 pm
Current Mood:awakeawake
from maidden and menkaankhsenCollapse )
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Time:05:42 pm
Current Mood:hothot
after rereading this, i realized exactly how much i have forgotten.

two years ago, two years ago at the convention... i hugged a boy i grew up with. i hugged my disfellowshipped brother. and in that time, he's been reinstated... has rejoined the hall... and has made me hate him even more.


why is it that i'm the one who has to remember that, once, we were friends? cause i'm sure he doesn't rememeber. if he did, i think he wouldn't be so evasive..... so avoidant. was hugging him that day a step over the line? or were we not even that close before?

i think it has to do with my sister. she's still not doing anything in the truth. she's still just floating along... and sponging off my parents in the process. they say if she keeps breaking the rules, they'll kick her out. but it's been 2 years and she's still here. and their past (rob and her)... i think that's why we can't be friends anymore. she's going to keep up her badness, and he's going to think he can get away with what he didn't get away with last time and that whole group is just a bunch of halfsteppers.

*sigh*


it's learning to balance friendships. she can't seem to float from group to group like i do. floating from schoolmates to hallmates to the extended group... i can fit in (or, at least try to) in almost any group. there's something in common everywhere. eating brunch with dani (who doesn't go to the hall, but at least has an interest), to going to a graduation party for a friend of a friend who happens to almost be my brother's girlfriend (a cousin of a friend, a pioneer), to playing catchphrase with my cousin's friends (who don't really interest me as JWs, but are still fairly good association in comparison to some)... i can do that. she can't seem to get off of schoolmates.


arg. i can't deal with that anymore. it's not really her. it's not really anything but me going... ok... what can i get away with now?
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Time:09:25 am
Current Mood:coldcold
to say that i've neglected this journal is an understatement. considering the last time i posted was over a year ago.


i think i might've lost the oomph to post here. just cause i was gone. i went to visit my grandparents in england last summer for almost 3 months. i needed to get away. being at home felt like death. so i pioneered and i was helping remodel our hall and i visited a British Sign Language congregation and learned a lot.

and ever since, i've been yearning to go back. i'm not needed there. i'm needed in the french group here, should it ever get off the ground. but i found 3 nice brothers that i miss and would love to see again. jc still writes me, even if i'm as annoying as i can be. i almost thought he liked me.


so what have i been doing? auxillary pioneering every once and a while. i'm back at it again. i've been at university, and going crazy. can't force myself to go to class, but that's what i need to do. i've been suspended for a semester, and it's really really stressing me out again. i have the feeling that, if i could... i'd've moved to england last fall and stayed. not that i wouldn't miss here. it's just a different pace of life there. it's a different style.

i'm going back. next summer. i've got to write to my gran to clear it, but me and my cousin are making plans. she's going to talk to her scottish friend, i'm going to talk to my belgian friend, and we're going to make my grandparents the home base. 2 months, that's the plan. go visiting... relax... take off of work and school and just focus on the meetings and the things that should matter the most.



i'm feeling a little less than creative at the moment, so bear with me.


i need to get back to what i was doing... but i think i'll be back here soon. i don't see why i can't.
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Subject:i'm 48% mean... ahhahahahahah.
Time:09:10 am
Current Mood:awakeawake
spam, and i mean it too.Collapse )
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Subject:and you wonder why
Time:09:20 am
Current Mood:awakeawake
so here i am again. i had almost forgotten i had this...

what's new?? i signed up to be an auxillary pioneer. just this month to see what happens. maybe i'll regular after that... yesterday was a blast, though. 4 hours, three of which i spent with cousins in street corner and a bit of door to door. one was spent with a high school friend, trying to explain why my beliefs are what they are.

i'm still working on that one.

i guess i want to invite her to the memorial. maybe. but i have to explain some other things first. she has more respect for jws than catholics, though... so that's a good thing.

since i haven't updated since september (bad morggie!!), perhaps you all should know that my sister is no longer an unbaptized publisher because she went and was smoking and doing other very bad bad things. i don't know details because it's better if i don't.

and also, my aunt, the one who was living with us and was terminally cancerous... died in november. she was working her way toward baptism (since, while she was growing up, she never dedicated herself to jehovah) at the april assembly, if she lived that long. we're just glad she had the right goals in mind.

alright. that's all i can say for today. bye everybody. comment if you missed me.
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[icon] Just Tryin' to be a Witness
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